![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
RotM 1.55.3 - Hate what we fear
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:01 pmIn time we hate that which we often fear. - William Shakespeare
When the vampire me came into this reality from the other one, I got a glimpse of what I could become. It was the first time I realized I had a darkness inside of me. Despite what Angel said, I'm intelligent enough to realize that the darkness wasn't all demon. Even Harmony kept aspects of herself when she became a vamp. True she was never bright, but she didn't have much darkness inside all ready either.
You would have thought that I would have been very much with the not turning evil. Maybe even hyper-aware of not wanting to turn evil, unfortunately not so much. It didn't even take hurting Dawn or Tara leaving me to not go to the dark side. That pulled me back from my little ledge I was on, but I still jumped into that downward spiral.
Sure, I could say that it was the massive depression and hatred that I had when Warren shot Tara. The frustration that I could bring Buffy back from the dead, but I couldn't bring back Tara even could have been an excuse. The truth is, I knew exactly what I was doing when I went into the magic shop to drain the book and get dark magic. I knew what it would do, that it wouldn't honor Tara, and I really didn't care. I went all Darth Vader on my friends and Sunnydale, and I was all right with that.
I had become what Buffy, Xander and I had fought against. Even now, with all the white magic that went through me when I activated the Slayers, it's a daily struggle to not give into the power. That saying that power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely is the truth, and I hate that it applies to me.
There is a constant fear that I will be that again. I've become my own worst nightmare and I hate myself for it. I can't even say with conviction that I would never do that again. Truth is, I have no idea if I'll ever tap into the darkness that is inside of me. I have met the enemy, and she is me.
Muse: Willow Rosenberg
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word Count: 362
When the vampire me came into this reality from the other one, I got a glimpse of what I could become. It was the first time I realized I had a darkness inside of me. Despite what Angel said, I'm intelligent enough to realize that the darkness wasn't all demon. Even Harmony kept aspects of herself when she became a vamp. True she was never bright, but she didn't have much darkness inside all ready either.
You would have thought that I would have been very much with the not turning evil. Maybe even hyper-aware of not wanting to turn evil, unfortunately not so much. It didn't even take hurting Dawn or Tara leaving me to not go to the dark side. That pulled me back from my little ledge I was on, but I still jumped into that downward spiral.
Sure, I could say that it was the massive depression and hatred that I had when Warren shot Tara. The frustration that I could bring Buffy back from the dead, but I couldn't bring back Tara even could have been an excuse. The truth is, I knew exactly what I was doing when I went into the magic shop to drain the book and get dark magic. I knew what it would do, that it wouldn't honor Tara, and I really didn't care. I went all Darth Vader on my friends and Sunnydale, and I was all right with that.
I had become what Buffy, Xander and I had fought against. Even now, with all the white magic that went through me when I activated the Slayers, it's a daily struggle to not give into the power. That saying that power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely is the truth, and I hate that it applies to me.
There is a constant fear that I will be that again. I've become my own worst nightmare and I hate myself for it. I can't even say with conviction that I would never do that again. Truth is, I have no idea if I'll ever tap into the darkness that is inside of me. I have met the enemy, and she is me.
Muse: Willow Rosenberg
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word Count: 362
